Shot Through the Foot, and You’re To Blame
a one-act play by Ryan Edward McCall

Characters:

Hank

Sue

Setting: Outside a bank. Hank is standing at an ATM, Sue is directly behind him, holding a gun pressed to his back.

Hank: That’s a gun, isn’t it?
Sue:(condescending) Wow. You’re perceptive. Now just put the card in the machine. Slowly, no sudden movements. Good. Now type in your PIN...
Hank:(slightly panicked) I know what to do; I don’t have to be coached.
Sue: You have a gun to your back, honey. It’d be a good idea to stay calm.
Hank: I’d like to see you stay calm while being robbed.
Sue: I’m not the one getting robbed, so it has nothin’ to do with me. Now type the number.
Hank: And what if I don’t? What are you going to do? Shoot me?
Sue: That’s what the gun’s for, honey.
Hank: Don’t call me honey. I don’t even know you. Besides, I don’t think you’re going to gun me down in broad daylight in
    front of a bank.
Sue: You’d be surprised, honey. Now type the number before I lose my patience.
He: You know what? I refuse to. (waves his arms in the air) Help! Police!
Sue: Shut up! (shoots him in the foot)
Hank: You shot me! I can’t believe you just shot me!
Sue: I told you you’d be surprised, honey. (looks at Hank’s foot) It’s just a flesh wound.
Hank: A flesh wound?!? You nearly blew my foot off!
Sue: You need to manage your stress better. You’ll live longer.
Hank: I’ll live longer if I don’t get shot!
Sue: Shut up and type the damn number, honey. Good. Now hit “withdrawals.” Good. This is your first time, isn’t it, honey?
Hank: Yes, I don’t believe I’ve been robbed at gunpoint before.
Sue: Right. You seem like a novice victim. Now punch in $1000.
Hank: $1000?!? Why would I give you $1000?!
Sue: Remember the gun, honey?
Hank: Oh, yes. (a pause, as Hank withdraws the money) Well, there you go.
Sue: Thanks. Have a nice day, and see someone about that foot, honey.
(Hank hobbles off, and Sue walks away in the opposite direction, counting her money)