Mr. Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe
Scene opens in an office. Mr. Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe is sitting at
his desk, waiting for someone to enter.
Harold opens the door and enters the room and sits in a chair in front of the desk.
Mr. SJW: Ah, hello sir. My assistant tells me you are looking for a
Harold:(unemotionally) Yes, this is true, but first I must assure you that I am not insane.
Mr. SJW:(confused) Excuse me?
Harold: Iím not insane. Thatís all. Now that that is out of the way, shall we get down to business?
Mr. SJW: Uhm, yes. Now, what type of loan are you looking for Mr...
Mr. SJW: Of course. Harold. Now, what type of loan would you be looking for Mr. Harold?
Harold: Just Harold; not ďMr. Harold.Ē If you call me that again, Iíll have to kill you.
Harold: (laughing) Just kidding, old man. No need to get nervous.
Mr. SJW: Right, of course. Now, as I was saying, what type of loan are you looking for?
Harold: A large one.
Mr. SJW: Of course, yes, thatís very good, but I need to know what you will be using the loan for.
Harold: I donít see why thatís entirely necessary.
Mr. SJW: It is necessary because that is how a bank conducts business, Mr. Harold.
Harold: (stands up and grabs Mr. Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe by the throat) I told you not to call me that; now I have to kill you.
Mr. SJW: (gasps for air)
Harold: (releases Mr. Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe, laughing) Just kidding again, Mr.... uhm (looks at name plaque on Mr. Steven Jacob Wimplethorpeís desk) Mr. Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe. My, thatís a mouthful. (sits back down)
Mr. SJW: Sir, if youíre going to continue acting in this manner, I am going to have to make you leave my office.
Harold: No, you wonít.
Mr. SJW: I donít see how you have any place to tell me what I can or cannot do, sir.
Harold: Youíd be surprised.
Mr. SJW: I somehow think not. I do not particularly need your business, you realize, especially not if you are to be so impudent.
Harold: Donít need my business? I think you may be wrong about this. Business is everthing you need. It is the only thing you live on, is it not? You are addicted to business. It is the only reason you are alive. Donít need my business. Hah.
Mr. SJW: I may thrive on business, but not yours. Out of my office! Now!
Harold: Fine, then. Iíll just go to another bank with my $500,000 dollar loan.
Mr. SJW: $500,00? I doubt youíll be able to find a bank willing to give such an exorbitant loan! (evilly)But, if you stay, perhaps we could work something out.
Harold: Somehow I thought so.
Mr. SJW: Perhaps you would like some coffee?
Harold: That would be nice, thank you.
Mr. SJW: (pressing a button on the intercom on his desk) Miss Merriweather?
Miss M: (from offstage) Yes?
Mr. SJW: Could you please bring me two cups of coffee? (pause) How would you like your coffee, Harold?
Mr. SJW: Of course. Make that one black, one with cream and sugar, Miss Merriweather.
Miss M: Yes, sir.
Mr. SJW: Now, Harold, what exactly will you be using this loan for?
Harold: Didnít we go over this already?
Mr. SJW: Yes, but you didnít answer.
Harold: Yes, I remember that.
Miss M: (opens the door and walks in, carrying two cups of coffee. She gives one to Harold and one to Mr. Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe) There you go.
Mr. SJW: Thank you. May I have a word with you, Miss Merriweather?
Miss M: Yes, sir.
(Miss Merriweather and Mr. Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe walk to the side of the stage.)
Miss M: What the hell is taking you so long?
Mr. SJW: You know very well that it takes a while to set up a loan.
Miss M: Yes, but i couldnít help but notice that you donít even have the paperwork out on your desk.
Mr. SJW: Well, heís not being very cooperative, and this is an unusual situation.
Miss M: Unusual how?
Mr. SJW: Heís asking for a loan of $500,000.
Miss M: $500,00?! Are you insane?!
Mr. SJW: Iíll pretend I didnít hear that. As you can see, this is a very important client.
Miss M: Fine. Just donít say I didnít warn you. (leaves)
(Mr. Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe walks back to his chair and sits down.)
Mr. SJW: Now, where were we?
Harold: We were in this office, I believe.
Mr. SJW: Heh. Of course. Now, back to the matter of what you will be using this loan for.
Harold: You are awfully intent on finding that out arenít you?
Mr. SJW: Itís how this works.
Harold: Fine. If you must know, I intend to use it in a business venture.
Mr. SJW: I see. What sort of business...
Harold: (interrupting) Why are you asking all these questions?
Mr. SJW: Itís just routine.
Harold: (stands up and points at Mr. Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe accusingly) I will NOT take this kind if interrogation from the likes of you, Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe!
Mr. SJW: (begins to stand up) Now see here!
Harold: Sit down!
Mr. SJW: (sits down, and presses the button on his intercom) Miss Merriweather, please come in here.
Harold: Miss Merriweather is not coming! You have offended me, and there shall be no solace for you.
(Miss Merriweather opens the door and enters)
Miss M: What is it, sir?
Harold: (to Miss Merriweather) How dare you defy my word! You shall be punished! (points at Miss Merriweather. Miss Merriweather stands straight up, with her arms spread out for several seconds, then her head droops for a second, and she falls down)
Mr. SJW: Miss Merriweather...!
Harold: Cannot help you now. Know this, Steven Jacob Wimplethorpe: You have sinned. (walks to the window, opens it, and leaps out)