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Penguins; What Do You Know?

    Now, we all know the basics about penguins, but just how much do we really know? Presented here are several facts about penguins which you may not know, and some misconceptions about these birds, man's only natural enemy.
    First off, many people assume that the penguin's diet consists mainly of fish. This is plainly false. Penguins will, in fact, eat many things. Chief among these is human flesh. Also, penguins have been known to eat: inner tubes, expensive caviar, trees, small dogs named "Rex", high school gym teachers, and bagels. Such a volatile diet will often times cause penguins to explode violently, forming small craters in the ground.
    Another thing that is largely unknown to the general public is the social structure of penguins. Now, it is known by many that there are "emperor penguins," but few know what this actually signifies. Every emperor penguin will have an "empire" usually consisting of 10-100 "lesser penguins." The empires will then hold battles for small pieces of land, which the winner keeps. The winning empire will usually leave the land, having forgotten why they were there in the first place. The fierce battles have been described as "terrifying," "bloody," and "awfully cute."
    Indeed, the "cuteness" of penguins is their most powerful weapon. When looking upon a penguin, many people experience the urge to hug the bird. This would be a grave mistake, for when you hug a penguin, the penguin will take advantage of your vulnerability, pecking you to death and then eating your heart.
    Penguins are most certainly man's greatest natural enemy. There have been many stories of lost travelers being devoured by roving empires of penguins, but these can never be verified, as an empire will leave no one alive to tell the tale. Penguins are extremely dangerous, and should only be handled with utmost hostility. Indeed, you should never get too close to a penguin unless heavily armed.